Relationships During Opiate Detox
Typically in the recovery world, there are two schools of thought concerning whether or not you should have a relationship while you’re going through detox and treatment for opiate addiction. The first is simple: don’t do it. Just don’t do it. Don’t date. Don’t hook up. And do not, under any circumstances, get romantically involved. The other school of thought is that two people are stronger together than one alone, that this other person can be like a partner and the two of you will be better equipped to handle temptation and, in essence, help each other stay clean.
The Power of Distraction
Some people enroll in a photography class when they first detox off of opiates. Others clean their house from top to bottom. Others spend their time in support group meetings and in service. We do these things to sort of replace the role of drugs in our lives, to find a way to pass the time, to find something else to think about outside of ourselves, our problems and the things that may have played a part in our picking up in the first place. A relationship can serve the same purpose: it’s fun. At least in the beginning. It’s something to do, something to think about. This new person can seem like a gift after addiction, one of the many new leases on life you’ve been given.
The problem is when this ‘distraction’ becomes an obsession. What’s that saying? “Scratch an addict, and you’ll find a codependent.” When your relationship takes your focus off yourself to the point that you and your opiate detox and recovery become secondary, distraction turns into disaster.
The Power of a Breakup
And then there’s the breaking up. Even those who handle substance use well—only indulging in moderately and only on rare occasions—will get loaded over a breakup. It’s hard to fight with someone you love, much less lose them, and if you’re in an opiate detox or treatment, then you’re emotionally vulnerable and the experience is that much harder. And when you turn to opioid-based pills or heroin to numb the pain, overdose is a huge risk. And with opiates, it’s rare to use just once. A slip quickly turns into a relapse and relapse turns into regular use, and soon the opiate detox is nothing but a memory and you’re right back where you started. Over a relationship.
So what do you think? Bad idea? Good idea? Any circumstances to avoid or tips to pass along to those who are considering a relationship in early recovery?
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July 22nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I worked at a recovery facility for three years and have worked in the recovery field for 7 years. As far as relationships between two recovering addicts go it is almost always a disaster (from my experience).
Its almost a guarantee from what I have seen, that if either has less than 1 year of sobriety one or both will relapse. Usually both…
The times I HAVE seen it work
a. both have years of recovery under their belt
b. One of the partners is NOT in recovery, perhaps the one without a drug problem can help show how to live a good life w/out drugs or alcohol?
c. Previously existing relationship. I have seen married or long term couples achieve recovery together, even when both were using.
These are just my observations and from what I have seen I always recommend that people trying to quit using drugs remain out of a relationship for around a year. This is not based on any studies or scientific evidence
July 24th, 2008 at 7:02 am
I’ve been trying to wean off of oxycontin, but my partner also uses it and has no desire to stop. I’ve found that he resents my efforts, tries to undermine them and gets jealous of the time I spend on myself trying to get well spiritually as well as physically. This last issue is one that I think many people currently in relationships will face, whether the other person uses or not — people get accustomed to knowing you a certain way and don’t know what to make of the attention you’re now paying to yourself. They feel left out, especially if they’ve been co-dependent. Same with general friendships. Keep strong in your commitment and realize that if anyone truly loves you, they’ll do anything they can to help you succeed — even if it means changing or even losing a relationship. Loving and caring for yourself is of ultimate importance in the long run, to succeed in maintaining any relationship with others. Life will change, including your relationships — just be ready for it and be prepared to let go if you have to. God bless everyone undertaking such a big challenge — you can do it
July 30th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Jared, yeah, those seem to be the best scenarios in which a relationship works. I saw one couple who got together, both in their first few months of recovery, they stayed together 10 years until she decided she wanted to start drinking and they went their separate ways.
In one sense, it’s like any relationship: there are no guarantees. It just seems like a huge risk, even though it’s so tempting in the beginning.
Coby, you are so strong, staying with your detox despite the fact your partner isn’t. That is so hard, and it can get frustrating. I hope you have lots of great support outside of your relationship and that your partner understands that you’re not making these decisions to hurt him but to help yourself.
July 30th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Valeria, your words of encouragement mean a lot to me. I’ve actually now broken out of the relationship — it’s simply too distracting, trying to convince someone else what my motives and needs are. Heck, trying to get out for GROCERIES is even distracting right now. Once I’m “better”, the challenge will be not to fall back into trying to “help” the ex-partner, which of course I can’t successfully do — (I believe it’s called co-dependency!)Being in healthy, loving relationships is a key part of the human experience, I believe — but there are times when we have to back up/off and love ourselves. I’m appreciating being part of this blog — thank you for including me.