It Is Not As Bad As You Might Think
When I was using drugs, the idea that I might be an addict was a source of great shame. I wasn’t ashamed that I used drugs; that wasn’t my problem at all. No, I was ashamed that I’d lost control of my use, that I couldn’t quit when I wanted to, that I couldn’t handle the withdrawals.
I also didn’t want to be like “them”, you know: addicts, junkies. I wasn’t that sick, was I?
My use was out of control for a long time before I got help. I thought about getting help - but I didn’t want to say to my family: I am addicted to pain pills, and I need treatment. No way did I want my friends, or my job to find out. What would they think of me? How could I face everyone?
I feared the stigma of having “addict” all over my medical records too. Many of us know how doctors treat patients who are “drug seeking,” and I imagined it would be a hundred times worse if I was an admitted addict.
So I suffered, and I suffered some more. Finally, the suffering was worse than the shame (but only very slightly) and I decided to call for help.
What Was It Like?
Amazing. And scary, but not shameful. In fact, the health care professionals I’ve worked with throughout my addiction recovery - from doctors to therapists to research coordinators - have been some of the most respectful, kind and empathetic people I’ve ever known. It was among these people that I first began to really understand that my addiction is a medical problem, not a moral problem.
By the time I decided to get help, I knew I wanted to try Suboxone treatment. This meant I needed a diagnosis of “opioid dependency,” which required meeting with a doctor. My doctor was an addiction specialist, and he was so non-judgmental that it was a relief just to talk to him.
The first appointment was just me answering a lot of questions about my drug use. That was the scary part, but it was also really eye-opening. The questions were like:
- What kinds of drugs are you using?
- How much?
- How often?
- Do you ever drive when you’re high? (That was a big slap upside the head for me, I’m sad to say.)
- Do you do anything illegal to get your drugs?
- Do you hide your use from others?
- Does your drug use effect your job? Your social life?
By the end of that interview it was abundantly clear to me that I was addicted to pain pills. It was also clear that I wasn’t being judged for my problem, no one was going to slap a scarlet A on my chest and expose my faults to the world. I was among people who both wanted to help me and had the means to do so. I made an appointment to come back in a couple of days for my first dose of Suboxone.
When I arrived for my “induction” (that’s what they call it when you start Suboxone treatment) I was in moderate withdrawals as I hadn’t used in about 30 hours. I felt pretty crappy indeed, but hopeful too.
My doctor told me how to put the pill under my tongue and let it dissolve. I started with half of an 8mg pill, and went to sit by myself in the lounge and read a magazine. The taste was bitter and I wasn’t used to holding anything under my tongue like that, but my word…that first dose of Suboxone was a revelation.
Within 20 minutes my nose stopped running, my legs weren’t aching, no yawning, no coughing, no stomach cramps. It was like this huge wave of relief washed through my body. By the time I took the other half of my dose and walked out of the doctor’s office, I felt normal.
All day long, I felt normal - by which I mean good. I felt like myself, a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a long while. I had no cravings. I didn’t feel euphorically high, but I was in a good mood.
I went to work that day, and the next, and the next. I was able to fulfill all my family obligations and I even had the energy and inclination to do fun stuff on the weekend. It wasn’t perfect, but it was close enough. And I didn’t have to tell anyone what I was doing unless I wanted to.
I remember feeling sorry that I’d waited so long to get help once I realized what getting help would be like. I’m not saying that I took Suboxone and lived happily ever after. But Suboxone has given me the stability to sort out the mess that I made of my life, and to work on healing my body and my spirit. It also reminded me of how good it feels to be clear-headed and in control - now I don’t want to risk losing those things ever again.
What About You?
So what are you waiting for? There really is no need to suffer more, or for your addiction to progress further before you make the call and ask for help. Believe me, if I could do it, so can you.
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June 22nd, 2008 at 11:47 am
I was addicted to methadone for nearly a year. It doesn’t seem that long, but month after month, it got worse. I knew I was addicted when I couldn’t go for more than a couple days without feeling pretty bad. I started with loratabs and percocets because of my teeth being in such bad shape. When the pain starts, you dont think about anything else, except stopping it. You don’t care what you take as long as the pain stops. My husband finally found out and I’m glad. I knew I had gone too far, but I was afraid to tell my husband because he was strongly against addicts/junkies. I lost my bestfriend because of pills and swore I would never get like that. But it happened anyways. I cant tell you when I became addicted, it just happened over time until I was buying them from other people on a daily basis. I wanted to quit, but I couldn’t. Until my husband found out. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know if I would have had the willpower to quit. It’s only been three weeks, I still hurt, but not as bad. My problems now are stomach cramps and lethargy. It’s hard to work, but I know I have to. I haven’t gone to the doctor yet, but I’m planning on it. Taking advil and tylenol helps, but it hurts the stomach and if I don’t go to the doctor I may cause more problems for myself concerning my stomach. I know I’ll make it because I want to, but if you dont take that first step, you cant quit.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:09 am
You are right, ckq - you can’t get better until you take that first step. It might not have seemed like it, but it took a lot of strength for you to admit your problem to your husband and ask for his help and support. It’s so hard to face the fear of what our loved ones will think when we fess up. I’m glad to know that your husband has been a source of strength for you and is helping you get through your detox.
Pain is a HUGE trigger for relapse though, so I think it’s a great idea to talk to your doctor and get him involved with helping you get well. There may be other ways for you to manage your pain that you don’t even know about yet.
I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, and I hope that you’ll let us know how you’re doing.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I’m proud of you CKG! You are on the right track! I also lost someone very close to me..My ex-husband….he was partying and drinking and took 20mg of Methodone and a small amount of xanax and never woke up…He was 28 years old. I am still devistated. I had know idea that things had gotten that far. he just wanted to escape and he finally did forever. My current boyfriend had became depended on pain pills because of his Crohn’s disease and he thought that he could detox with methodone….turns out the withdrawals from the methodone were worse and than he went back to oxycodone. Now he is in a program where he is now taking Suboxone and it is working great….No withdrawal and I am so proud…but I still have to be strong for him because the mental part may always be there. But he has made up his mind….No more addiction. He said that it is simply not worth it. Friends and family are important…and make the best support group. People that are in pain normally become accidental addicts and they don’t even know it right away. But for him the fear was the withdrawal…so now that he is on a medication that is making him feel normal….no more fear….and most of the pain was from taking the painkiller’s because it was doing more damage on his Crohn’s Disease. Everyone is different…for some it is more mental than physical and other’s vice versa. But either way….being a slave to yourself is no way to live. I wish u all well and goodluck…stay strong.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Kristina, your boyfriend is so lucky to have a strong support like you in his life. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope that you are also taking good care of yourself as you are helping your boyfriend deal with his addiction.
August 2nd, 2008 at 11:17 pm
wow now that i have read these four coments = i really im glad that i have red these and no matter what in any way give up your goal =i myself have an addiction and in the prossese of getting help . and the only thing that i can see is suboxon its a mearical drug if you ask me here,s my story about adiction = i started with perks for a savear back injury about a year and a half then i was taking like 10 a day then 20 a day then 30 a day then i heard there was 20 of oxycontin so i had my dr give me them it lasted about a year then i got 40ml of oxycontin and i was talking them 3 times a day for about a year then it wasent enough so i started bying them on the street at 20 buck,s a pill and sometime,s there was only 80 avalible so i would by them . then one day i said to myself im tierd of talking these things and trew them flushed them down the toilet and what a misstack that was on the third day of being sick i was lying in bed twiching and wroking back and forth and sweating like never before so i called my dr and told hem what i had done and i was sick he told me that i was going through withdrawls . i said whats a withdrawl he said your meds are a narkodic and there very addictive . so i ask him why would you pot me on an addictive drug without telling me whats wrong with you senc then i fierd my dr and now have a new dr and he is ok with my addiction but when time comes he will take car of my addiction with suboxon . so for those who are taking soboxon keep up the good work and the future is what you make it [ point blank ] and think about what you want in life and go get it . from vic in canada .have a nice day friends.