Well! It’s been a while since I’ve made a post here, and I have missed y’all something terrible, but I can’t think of a better reason to break my writer’s block than this:

This week marks the six-month anniversaryof me beginning Suboxone treatment! Woot!

I can hardly believe that a half of a year has already passed, and so it seems like a good time to take a moment to reflect on where I came from, and where I am now.

Six months ago I was a huge mess. I was in constant pain, physically and emotionally. I’d been using opiates nearly every day for the previous year, progressing from hydrocodone to morphine and dilaudid. My life slowly and steadily constricted around me as I let go of people and activities I cared about because all I had energy for was getting high.

I dropped out of school, telling myself I’d take the quarter off to rest and get my health back - but that quarter stretched to another and another. Work wasn’t going well. I was unmotivated, lethargic and frankly, my attitude was total crap. Home life wasn’t much better - even my beloved daughter was starting to feel more like a burden to me than a joy. The worst, though, was the way I felt about myself.

I knew I was out of control. I put off paying bills because I needed drugs to stave off the dopesickness that constantly threatened to take me down. My tolerance grew so much over the previous summer that I couldn’t even get pain relief any longer, and getting high was out of the question. Over and over I tried to quit and suffered through the pain of withdrawals for days, sometimes even a week or more, only to use again at the first chance I had. Still, some twisted sense of pride kept me from admitting that I was in over my head and I needed help.

During this low-point, I became aware of this new drug called Suboxone, and it’s great potential to help people like me - opiate addicts. Did I call for help the first time I heard about it? Oh, no way. I was scared, and embarassed. But I was also intrigued, so I sought out information online. And the more stories I read, the more I became convinced that this drug could help me too.

So I finally made the call, and got into a treatment program and started taking Subxone. That was six months ago, and while it hasn’t always been smooth sailing, I definitely stopped my ship from sinking and steered it to safer waters. (to torture a metaphor, sorry!)

What does my life look like, six months into treatment? Well, I’m glad you asked, because things are great!

Because I chose, based on my substance abuse history and other mental-health issues, to go with a longer-term replacement type treatment with Subxone, I still take Suboxone every day. I’ve decreased my dose quite a bit, with an eye toward tapering off completely in the next six to eight months. I also go to therapy once a week, and I have a “recovery plan” that keeps me involved in activities that are healthy and fun - like yoga, dance, swimming, writing, and blogging.

Family life is so much better. The best thing is that I can now handle the inevitable rough-patches without turning to drugs, and sometimes I even manage to hold on to my peace of mind during the hard times. I’ve navigated some serious health issues lately without completely losing my balance, and I’m quite proud of that. I’m doing better at work too, and have been given new responsibilites that have made my job fun again.

The thing I’m most proud of, though, is that I returned to school for the Spring quarter and if all goes well, I will finally complete my Associate of Arts degree after only 15 years!!! Well, not that I was in school for that whole time, LOL, but it did take me a while. The class I’m taking this quarter should complete my degree, and I can transfer to University next year. I can not tell you how incredibly good it feels to be getting on with my life.

And, more than just getting on with life, I have goals again. Addiction steals our goals, our hopes and dreams, sometimes to the point that the only thing we’re living for is the next opportunity to get high. That is such an incredibly painful way to live, so I’m beyond happy to have found that I don’t have to live that way anymore. Nobody has to live like that - there’s help for us all.

Suboxone didn’t do all the work for me, but I doubt I could have come this far this quickly without it. If you’ve been thinking about calling, wondering if this drug could help you too - all I can say is Make The Call. I sincerely believe you won’t regret it.

Some people say that you can’t be successful in recovery if you’re not ready. Others say it goes deeper than that, that you have to lose everything before you can fully understand how vital it is to get clean.

Personally, I don’t agree.

You Have to Need It

Maybe this idea of “hitting rock bottom” is true for some people, but not all. I don’t even think that you have to want to get clean for an inpatient treatment program to have some impact. Addiction, is after all, a chronic disease and everyone has to start somewhere. However, I do think that if you’re going to attempt an outpatient treatment like a Suboxone detox, you not only have to want it, you have to need it. You have to equate getting (and staying) clean with the other human needs (air, food, water, shelter). It’s that basic and that necessary. If you’re not on that level, if you’re still qualifying your choices and justifying “just one…” then you’re not ready.

You Have to Be “Over It”

If you’re still enamored with “the life” of using, if you’re still nostalgic about “getting high,” if you’re still interested in the drama that goes along with chasing a bag or pills, then you’re not ready. Don’t get me wrong: even those who have been clean for years, even decades, are tempted sometimes. You may even have a few funny or good memories of getting loaded. But if you don’t also remember how sick the drugs make you when they wear off, how miserable you were on the roller coaster of chasing a high, how miserable everyone around you was while you destroyed your relationships and yourself, then the nostalgia will win and you’ll end up back out there.

You Have to Have a Plan

Just saying you want to get clean isn’t enough. Getting on Suboxone is a great start because it covers the physical aspect of addiction, but you have to have a plan for how you’re going to occupy yourself. Getting loaded takes a lot of energy. What are you going to do with all your free time? What are you going to do when you feel tempted to use? Having a plan in place before you are faced with these issues is big part of a successful recovery from drug addiction.

What’s your plan?

When you’re undergoing an outpatient treatment using Suboxone or methadone, it’s important that you find your resources for support wherever you can. One of the most common ways people choose to do that is to take advantage of the many 12-step support groups like Narcotics Anonymous. Free of charge with meetings every day of the week and, in many towns, many times a day, there really isn’t a more convenient or cheaper way to get the help you need.

Unfortunately, it’s not the most exciting way to spend your time. A friend of mine recently told me:

“Look, I hate meetings. I can’t stand the whining, the gossip and the fact that I lose hours of my life with my ass falling asleep in a metal chair. But I go and I’m going to keep going, because it’s keeping me clean.”

It’s true: meetings are not fun. Newcomers and chronic relapsers can get on your nerves as can the superiority of those who have been clean for years. The coffee is bad, and the snacks are cheap. Metal folding chairs will become the bane of your existence as will the sleazy 13th steppers.

So how do you save yourself from an NA or AA meeting when you really just have to go?

1. Bring your hobby. For many, just spending time in the meeting is the important thing, and you don’t have to have idle hands to listen to the speaker. I’ve seen people in meetings do everything from knit to carve clay figurines. Drawing, hand sewing, artist trading cards…whatever it takes to keep you from clawing your (or someone else’s) eyes out as long as it doesn’t smell, make a mess or take up a ton of space.
2. Get involved. What’s the opposite of dropping out of NA? Taking over. Speak up in meetings, introduce yourself to newcomers, talk to people after the meeting. Volunteer to clean up after the meeting or get yourself voted into a position of authority. Maybe if you have a larger hand in your regular meetings, you’ll be able to choose topics that interest you.
3. Change meetings. If you live in a city or any metropolitan area, you have a large schedule of meetings to choose from. Though you most likely choose according to the time of the meeting or where it’s located, it could be worth it for you to get up a little bit earlier, stay out later or drive a little bit further in order to explore the different meetings available. If you live in a smaller town and don’t have a ton of meetings to choose from, then start your own. Why not? That’s the beauty of NA. Pick a name, find a location, choose the first topic and advertise. Keep showing up and so will more and more people.

Whatever you have to do to make meetings more interesting or sufferable, do it. It’s worth it to build a strong support system that will long outlast the buprenorphine or methadone and carry you through a lifetime of sobriety.

What do you do to make it through an NA meeting when you’d rather be anywhere but there?